Sports editor’s irrational fears yield vaguely helpful advice

So my top five fears, in no particular order, are as follows. Being in woods in pitch black darkness, being naked in front of a crowd, being tied up in a chair, dragonflies and any movie trailer that begins with a statement declaring it to be completely composed of found footage.

With that being said, let’s start giving out tips!

1. Let’s tackle dragonflies to begin with. Many of you might be saying to yourselves, “Jonathan, this is silly. Dragonflies are helpful to ecosystems and are cool in a hipster-weird way.” To that I say, anything with a giant head, a million eyes and the ability to hover should be avoided. 

The dragonfly, I have found, usually lives in swampy locations. So really all you have to do is avoid Thousand Hills after a rainstorm. Other than that, Kirksville is relatively dragonfly-free.

2. Avoid the woods when it is pitch black outside. This is a no brainer — if you have seen the Blair Witch Project you know the only thing to come out of being in the pitch black woods is death. With that being said, it is a pretty easy fear to avoid. Just stay in groups when you are walking around at night, and don’t go to any nature-themed parties. With those two steps, everyone should be able to survive any woodland-based horrors.

3. We all fear being naked in front of a crowd. This one is incredibly easy, people. Just wear underwear. It takes you three extra seconds in the morning but makes a huge difference. Just wear underwear, even if all the cool kids are “going commando.” Don’t follow that trend. You’ll thank me at some point this year.

4. Avoid being tied up in a chair. This fear stems more from my increasing claustrophobia in my old age, but ever since watching James Bond movies where the best spy in the world seemingly always gets tied up, I realized this definitely will happen to me at some point. Because if it’s good enough for James Bond, it’s good enough for me. Just avoid any Soviet super villains, or any lone house you see on the way in and out of Kirksville. It’s just that simple.

5. Last but not least, any movie that claims to be made up of found footage. Just download the IMDB app on your smart telephones and do some research on the movie your friend told you is great and super hilarious, because most likely that friend is trying to show you a terrifying film that will have severe consequences for you. You will develop trust issues and chronic nightmares.

And just like that, you all should have an amazing four years here at Truman State, completely fear -free. Because even though your professor scares you and grades seem terrifying, even if you failed at least you weren’t naked in front of a crowd, because of the miracle of underwear.