DAY 7 OF SOCIAL DISTANCING:
I still haven’t gotten used to this GPS anklet they’re making all of us wear. I went over to give my mom a hug this morning and it screeched at me as if I was shoplifting from Tiffany’s. 10 feet apart at all times. That’s hard to remember. I feel like I need to carry around a yardstick just to be safe. I don’t want to hear that noise again. If they could, I bet our neighbors would have come over to complain.
DAY 13 OF SOCIAL DISTANCING:
I chanced going outside today. Apparently the government is taking the rule that we have to stay on our own property very literally. I stepped onto the sidewalk and three drones appeared out of nowhere. In their dreary monotone they ordered me, “Return to your registered permanent residence. All necessities can be delivered to you.” Over and over again until I was over the threshold and back inside. I suppose they aren’t allowed to get more specific than “registered permanent residence.” I know for a fact some people have been stuck this whole time in places they definitely don’t consider home.
DAY 21 OF SOCIAL DISTANCING:
I had some junk food delivered today. Chocolate covered strawberries, sugar cookies and Cheez-It crackers. My mom didn’t exactly look pleased. What can she do, though? She’s not allowed to get any closer to me than I am to her. Social distancing includes moms, too. That’s what the president said. All necessities can be delivered to you. That’s what the drones said. Chocolate covered strawberries are a necessity. That’s what my stomach said. “Really, Mom,” I told her. “I’m just following the law.”
DAY 25 OF SOCIAL DISTANCING:
I got bored enough that I did some research. Apparently, in one of the alternate universes we’ve discovered, this pandemic happened back in 2020. They went totally nuts and didn’t know what to do. Apparently social distance didn’t include moms back then. Sappy optimists posted things about returning to family dinners and getting more time with their kids. Dogs reported being 150% happier. Meanwhile, my dog is included in the social distancing rules of 2075. I wonder how he’s doing. I assume he’s still down in the basement. Are all necessities being delivered for dogs, too?
DAY 47 OF SOCIAL DISTANCING:
No one is getting coronavirus because no one is in contact with anybody else. No one wants to stop social distancing because everybody thinks as soon as they’re less than 10 feet apart they’ll get sick. Don’t ask me how two healthy people are going to spread the virus to each other.
I think I’ve eaten my weight in chocolate covered strawberries. I could really go for a family dinner. Maybe the optimists of 2020 weren’t such saps after all. Social distancing might have its perks, but those perks have their limits. I don’t care what the drones say. Not all necessities can be delivered.