Great American Eclipse Signified God’s Wrath (Satire)

The Wolves Pursuing Sol and Mani (from Wikimedia commons)

While many people across the nation “enjoyed” the heavenly display of the moon blocking out the sun, what was lost on many people was the apparent fact that this darkness during the daytime is a sign that God is mad at us about something. While many so-called “scientists” say this is a perfectly natural phenomenon, the fact that the path of the eclipse cut right through the heart of the United States can only mean that we, as a nation, have done something truly awful to cause the wrath of the almighty.

Do not let naysayers deceive you history is rife with examples of God’s displeasure resulting in a few minutes of darkness over the country. The solar eclipse in 1918 revealed God’s anger about the United States participation in World War I, or possibly at the Temperance Movement, or maybe a show of delayed anger against the passage of the 16th Amendment. The last eclipse to pass over the state of Missouri was in 1869, according to the Missouri Department of Natural Resources. Perhaps this means God was very angry at the inauguration of President Ulysses S. Grant or the founding of the American Museum of Natural History. Or, possibly, God was angry with the completion of the Intercontinental Railroad or the Temperance Movement again. It could be anything.

If this recent solar show tells us anything, it’s that we need to stop whatever it is we are doing right now unless it was because we were not doing anything to lead to this in the first place, in which case, we need to start doing something. The list of what God could be angry at is exhausting, and to try and name it all would be very difficult. Almost anything could be construed as God being mad at the United States, as long as we agree this would be something that God would be angry about. It is a well-known fact that God cares so much about popular culture or policy issues within the United States that he would send some cosmic display of nature to express in not-so-subtle terms his displeasure with whatever it is he is mad about. What is it God could be mad about? I have heard several possible theories, ranging from his rage over multi-gendered bathrooms to the recent activities of the alt-right. Maybe God is mad about the removal and vandalism of certain statues? Or perhaps it’s directed at the social injustice that exists and this is his condemnation on the 1 percent.

In the end, the reason doesn’t matter God can be angry at whatever it is we say he is angry about. This solar eclipse is just a sign of his righteous fury against whatever political issue I feel I can pigeonhole the all powerful to be mad about.

Our entire culture must repent of our ways immediately, or face 1,000 years of darkness in the near future. Or maybe just another minute or two. I don’t know, it’s hard to tell when it comes to discerning the will of an all-powerful, cosmic being and exactly what is causing his displeasure. So without any explicitly stated reason, I think it’s well within our power to make one up. For me, I discern that God is angry about the unnecessarily high number of Hollywood remakes and reboots which is obvious in that we have seen an equal increase in both Hollywood reboots and total solar eclipses in recent years and anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong. We must repent from our ways, lest we tempt fate again!