Top 5: Worst date locations

I understand that we all got lonely and lovesick during quarantine, but y’all really hopped onto Tinder a little too quickly. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there and downloaded Tinder as a “joke” and then devoted too much time to picking profile photos and biographies. However, COVID-19 changes the way even dating goes. You can’t just go out to eat anymore without fear of getting infected by strangers. As someone who is a recovered online dater — yes, I have been in your uncomfortable shoes — here is my list of the worst places to bring your Tinder date.

5. Walmart — Not only are you two wandering the aisles like middle schoolers who are biding time before they have to go home, but she is just as confused as you are about where this date is going. The “grocery shopping vibe” gives off an “I’m looking for a wife” feel but the Walmart logo constantly surrounding you gives off an “I just need to pick up Tide Pods and didn’t have a ride” vibe.

4. While you’re supposed to be on Zoom I should have known you all would take the online experience and taint it. I’ve had people in classes who have their cameras off but forget their mic is still on — glad to hear she found your room and is ready to hang out. Please turn off your mic, some of us just want to get the lecture notes and log off.

3. The residence hall laundry room Yes, I’ve seen it. I might even be too ashamed to say I’ve been on the receiving end of this. If you really cannot find time to go on a date and do your laundry at a separate time, maybe you should just focus on the laundry. Bonus points if you rudely take out someone’s half-dried clothes to put your own in — red flag.

2. Pickler Memorial Library — I’m not sure who started this trend, but shame on you. The library is a wholesome place for studying and pretending to focus, not for Bethany to tell you about her two brothers. A place that is supposed to be quiet is also not the setting for you to use cheesy pick up lines on a cute girl. Note: this does not include Starbucks. That is a prime location.

1. Any dining hall I’m always asked, “what’s worse than overpriced Sodexo food?” Oh, it’s the couple at the table next to me struggling to make small talk over a plate of watered-down spaghetti. Bringing your first date to the dining hall shows not only that you’re cheap, but also that you can’t cook and you’re about to struggle to talk to your hot date through a plastic screen.